If we all close our eyes and pretend my first interview with Spurs coach Gregg Popovich didn’t go horribly wrong, we can pretend that he granted me an exclusive offseason interview.
But first, a small bit of housecleaning. Fiesta Shorts will be a bit more sporadic during the offseason. There’s a lot of life going on and not a lot of Spurs going on, so I’m gonna protect my sanity a bit, and protect you from reading even dumber things than you’re used to.
Of course, I still love you all very much and look forward to writing these!
Sir Gregg, I mean, shit, we landed on me just calling you “Pop” last time, right?
…
Right then. Okay, Pop! Let’s start with a basketball question. After you passed Don Nelson for most regular season wins of all-time, who was the first enemy you called to gloat?
Wait. Aren’t you the guy from USA Today I told my agent to never let near me again?
(to Spurs PR staff) How the fuck did you let this happen again? Unbelievable!
(back to me) I’m not answering that question and you’re a moron.
Okay so just to make sure I got that right, you’re saying that you immediately walked off the court to call the USA Today? Interesting choice. I would have called Coach Nelson, personally. But I would have used someone else’s phone, or a burner or something. Then I’d leave a really long voicemail pretending to be a frat boy named Tyler who was trying to figure where his friend Ethan went, because like, Tyler couldn’t find him at the party anymore, and that Madison has been stumbling around drunk asking everyone where Ethan is, and also yo Benjamin finally hooked up with Ashlynn isn’t that sick? And then after like, maybe 2 minutes of that nonsense I’d go back into my normal voice and be like, “haha just kidding Don, it’s me, Gregg Popovich, the most winningest coach of all time, congrats on second place, jerk!” and then hang up.
*Glaring like a big predator cat*
Have you ever wondered whether or not Dejounte Murray was ever taught proper capitalization?
Why is that something I would ever wonder?
Do you not follow him on Instagram?
Do I look like I’ve ever used Instagram?
Has Dejounte ever written you a note, using paper? Anything where you’d have had a chance to analyze his grasp on grammar?
I let him draw on the white board sometimes. He’s gotten a lot better at it.
With Becky Hammon leaving to become the head coach of the Las Vegas Aces, have you identified anyone else on the staff to wear giant hoop earrings in her honor next season?
First of all, the fact that this isn’t the dumbest thing you’ve said is impressive in the worst way. Second of all, I won’t be talking to a single person on the staff until they drag me back for draft duties.
You’ve got a few former players and coaches still playing and coaching in the NBA playoffs. How does watching their success make you feel about what you’ve accomplished as a coach?
I don’t own a television. I don’t watch basketball.
Like, ever?
I watch tape, and I watch it in the office.
Are you excited for the upcoming Obi-Wan Kenobi mini-series?
I don’t own a television.
It’s still Ewan McGregor playing Kenobi. Isn’t that kind of funny? He played Kenobi for the first time in like, 1999 or whatever. And so he’s like 23 years older but somehow he’s still playing Obi-Wan, who is maybe like six years older than when we saw him in The Phantom Menace. Anyway, kind of cool, I guess McGregor is ageless or something. I wonder if Liam Neeson will return as a Force Ghost.
Please tell me this isn’t something you’re paid to do for a living.
Thanks for reading. Please be kind to each other out there!